A Man’s Guide To Grilling Steak

A Man’s Guide To Grilling Steak


(silence) (music, sound of food being chopped) Hello. Tonight on Pretty Good Cooking, we’re gonna teach you how to be a man. We’re gonna make steak. (music) ‘Cause you don’t know how to make steak. There are certain things in life that you should know how to do. You should know how to roll your own cigarettes, you should know how to drink neat whiskey, and you should know how to cook a steak. I can only help you with one of those things right now, because I’m hungry. Let’s make a steak. Or four. How to cook a steak was requested by Leo Gonzalez, who I’m pretty sure I know you IRL, KTownboi213, you need to revise your name, son. Peter Barnes, sounds like a respectable gentleman, and Christian Pillow(?) You’ve got two choices with beer. I mean, with steak. (laughter) You got…(laughs) You got two choices with steak. You got beer, and you got whiskey. We chose whiskey. (music) (exhales) (music) (exhales) We’re gonna make potatoes first. And how many times have you had steak and potatoes? Like, a lot of times. This is how to do it at home. Like, if you went to a steakhouse, you’re like, on a date, and they’re like, (fancy waiter voice) “Oh, we serve you this fine, wonderful beef. And a potato. And some broccoli.” You’ve had it like a million times. You know how much it cost that restaurant to make? Like, five dollars. And, like, a lot of times, you think about, like, the ideology of the restaurant and you’re like, I’m paying for the food, and I’m paying for the skills of the chef who prepared it. Yeah, well, with a steak, bullshit. Bullshit! I mean, you’re literally being served bullshit. At any rate, I just need to make the potatoes. Idaho potatoes. Number one. Whatever. Take a fork, and you poke ’em! If you don’t poke ’em, they’re gonna explode. Gonna be a potato terrorist. We’re feeding three, so we’re making at least three potatoes. But probably more, ’cause I kind of like leftover potatoes. If somehow you make a potato bomb, and it explodes and you die, everyone’s gonna make fun of you. So poke holes in your potatoes. We’re gonna put ’em in oil. Salt. A lot. Pepper. And kind of rub it all over . I don’t even need to tell you what my oven’s set to. If you’re a viewer at home, and you’re like, we were at like, a Price is Right – trademark – uhh, scenario, and they’re like, (announcer voice) “What could the oven’s temperature be?!” And if you did not guess 350, you would be like that guy who, like, someone bid, like, two dollars, and you bid one dollar. (quietly) You dumbass. In they go. I don’t know how long they take, so let’s look at the time. Time to light the grill. You want your grill medium, medium high. Not all the way. You got, like, knobs on there, and they got little pictograms, one’s, like, tiny flame, and the other’s like, medium flame, and the other one’s like, raging pillar of fire that led the Jews out of Egypt. You don’t want the last one. I mean, I know, I KNOW, like maybe your dad, your friends, someone else was barbecuing. And you were watching them, and you were like, Man, they don’t know what they’re doing. And you know why? They had like, this inferno of flame, just like a hellstorm. They were, like, summoning demons out of the grill. (stammers) And they were gonna cook your food on that! They put some dead animal on that, sacrificing it to, I don’t know, Satan, and they’re pushing on it with a spatula, and flames are flying up, and you got to the end and you had charcoal. Your dad made you a god damned charcoal burger. And you’re like, “Dad, you…you don’t know.” That dad needs a son like me to teach him what he’s doing. Maybe not a son but a father. A grandfather of the son. God damn it. We’re doing steak. It’s, just, steak. Okay? Let’s talk about steak. Beef steak. (music) (muttered) I need a bottle. What was I talking about? Steak. You’re expected to eat it. And it’s delicious! So, yeah. Pedantry and steak. Why does everyone have an opinion on THE best steak in the world? The reason? I’m sure you guys understood how I really feel about the matter, is steak is the easiest thing to cook. In the whole goddamn world. Anyone can make a good steak. You could do it. Your dead grandma can do it. Saddam Hussein can do it. Steak, it’s like, quality of ing (stammering)… okay. So, like, every food, you have a ratio, or a counterbalance… (vocalizing) So, okay, so, every dish in the whole world, every food you’ve ever had, has, uh, this ratio. Quality to, um, execution. Okay? So, this is like the quality of the ingredient, how good is the initial form of the food, to how well was it prepared. Right? So if you have something, um, that’s like, shitty to eat, something like an octopus. Okay? An octopus is a strange creature. It lives under the sea, um, it’s highly intelligent, it’s, it’s hard to believe it exists on this planet, it lives in a different biome than you do, and uh, its structure boggles the mind, it’s really just weird. Uh, but from a food standpoint of eating it, it has almost no flavor, and it’s, uh, it’s chewy. It’s like as if you were eating a rubber tire in animal form. Okay? So, like, the quality of that ingredient is not gonna make that much of a difference, right? So, like, pretty much any octopode, octopus, or octopodes, is gonna.. (stammers) it’s gonna be the same, it’s gonna really matter how the person who prepared the food made it. So if someone, like, made a wonderful marinade, and barbecued it appropriately and you’re like “Wow, this tastes great.” “Even though it’s like, really just a rubber tire that was prepared in a great way, that’s amazing.” Steak is 100% the opposite of that.
(jet plane in background) Steak. If you buy an expensive steak… (jet plane sound continues) ..and you ate it raw, it would be more enjoyable than an octopus that was the best octopus ever, uh, that was prepared just okay. I mean, you literally can eat it raw. So the cooking, whether you sear it for twenty seconds on each side and serve it “blue,” as if the blood in it was like, still in the heart of the cow or the bull, whatever, the cooking matters so much less than the actual ingredient. So everyone, everyone who’s ever touched a steak, has, like, cooked it in some capacity, they’ve undercooked it, they’ve overcooked it, they cooked it perfectly, and they’ve been, like, “My God, this is amazing! This is the best steak and everyone else’s steak can f*ck off.” Th-those assholes are like, they’re taking credit for really, what’s just a delicious thing on its own. Any goddamn idiot on the whole planet can throw a steak on the grill, for an arbitrary amount of time, literally like, thirty seconds to, like, twenty minutes. And it’s still gonna taste really good. And so you’ve asked me to make that. Well, I’m gonna make it. Okay. Steaks. Tonight we’re having top sirloin. I’m sure you’ve had it. Somewhere. It’s usually the cheapest steak on the menu. Got a couple steaks here. Well, those aren’t cut. And now they are. You could rub ’em in butter, I’m too lazy for that. I just use oil. Throw some oil on there. This is just like the potatoes. Salt. Pepper. Kinda rub it in, make sure we’re okay. I let these come up to basically room temperature, by the way. Over the course of thirty or so minutes. Time to grill. Yeah!
We’re going outside. Grill’s probably too hot. Who cares? I don’t care! Take the big steaks, you got bars like this, put em on a diagonal angle. Alright. Look at what we got here. They’re all gonna have different cook times. Do I care? Do you care? Does anybody care at all? Probably not. They’ll still be good. Now, we’re gonna close the lid. It’s not gonna take long. Can’t go anywhere. Honestly, just a few minutes. Okay. It’s only been like, a couple minutes. Let’s flip our shit. See that? Professional steak lines? Gonna rotate ’em. Ninety degree rotation. Right? Let ’em resume cooking. (music) Maybe you can’t see it with the smoke, but tops are cooked looking. Look at that. That side’s definitely done.
(grill sizzling) So’s that side. We’re gonna cook the bottom. Oh baby, look at that! Look at that! (quietly) So much smoke in my eyes. (grunt) They’re getting there. Almost done. You could top your steak with a couple of things, like onions and ‘shrooms. Gonna do a thin slice on the mushroom. Crimini. These are crimini mushrooms. Real thin slice. And you need some onion. Thin slice. Good enough. You need some butter! Butter! Over medium heat. Let that go and go to the steaks. Now we’re rotating ’em the last turn, even though they’re probably already done. You push on ’em, you’re like “Is that done? I don’t know.” The answer is – it’s actually done. Okay, so these are done. Turn your grill off. Now, steaks need to rest. We’ll let those rest. They’re still cooking. Got some sauce here, see this sauce? Put it over there! Gives the toppings more flavor. Beef and butter. Need a little Worcestershire. Just a little bit. Couple dashes. Onions and mushrooms. Aw yeah! Turn the heat up a little bit. Is it broccoli time? I think it’s broccoli time! Cut it. Just keep cutting it til you got, just, broccoli. I’m gonna show you the ultimate lazy and also awesome way to do it. Which is microwaving. (laughs) Oh yeah. You get a little plastic bag, put some broccoli in it, go to the sink. Water. Just a splash. You see how this corner just has a little bit of water in it? That’s all you need. Nuke it for a minute. All the way. Seal it. Sixty seconds. Look at those. Steak toppers. Now, when you do this, either the bag exploded or it didn’t. This bag exploded. There’s a rip. So we open the bag, carefully so the steam doesn’t burn us, no problem. And we dump the broccoli into some bowl! Perfectly steamed broccoli. Looks nice. Pull the potatoes. They’re done. Nice roast potatoes. In, uh…almost fifty minutes. These are probably, like, super done. Yeah, that’s a baked potato. You could eat that. Alright, steak’s been resting. Let me show you what it looks like. Let’s pick this steak. Let’s just cut it right down the middle. You see that? That’s medium to medium well. That’s okay. That’s delicious. A virgin steak. I’ll have a big thick juicy steak. Nice grid lines. Some broccoli, for health. And a goddamn potato! Look at you, champ! You’re a steakhouse! Cut that potato up, in half, put anything you want in it. Salt the broccoli. Some butter in your potato. Whatever. Your steak! You want some bullshit on top of it? We made bullshit! (vocalizing a victory theme) Look at this! You paid 40 thousand dollars for this at a steakhouse! I made this for six dollars. You can do it too! You dummy! Let’s eat some.
(dramatic music builds) Tastes like victory.
(music building) I’m so happy. Okay. One moment please.
(music reaches a peak) That’s how you make steak. Like a man. (outro music)

35 thoughts on “A Man’s Guide To Grilling Steak”

  1. Yes…this is what my manhood needed Phil. And yes, you know me IRL. Thank you for this, my wife will no longer verbally abuse me over poorly cooked steak!

  2. After your bbq story, I know for sure now; you should do voice acting for audiobooks! With drink breaks, clearly!

  3. This video was my favorite so far! I loved the rant on steak and octopus cooking theory. Would love to see more of that.

    As far as a suggestion: I would be very interested in your take on the humble and very interpretive grilled cheese. It may not warrant a whole video, but maybe you could do tomato soup as well?!

  4. I have now learned to be a man. I will infiltrate The Patriarchy, and destroy it from the inside with my knowledge of man. BWAHAHAHAHAA.

  5. don't think you've done pasta sauce.. i'd love to see your take on it.. take it on! take on it!!

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