Privately, I’m not at all interested in football. Even the DFB Scandal and the FIFA Affair don’t interest me. It’s all saved under “corrupt gentlemen doing what they want”. I’m interested in inconspicuous types. Inconspicuous, nondescript players in football who dive when the shit flies. Let’s talk about one of the fattest toads in Football Swamp and their… BALLS OF STEEL Today it’s about you: Herbert Hainer. For most people you’re the chairman of the executive board of ADIDAS AG, but for me you’re the man who always looked so cool… … like how Waldemar Hartmann looked when he still looked really cool. Herbert Hainer, for 14 years you’ve been the boss of the publicly traded, second largest sporting good manufacturer in the world. DFB, FIFA and Bundesliga, all sponsored by Adidas. 2014 revenue: 14,5 billion Euro And, Herbert Hainer, I don’t know whether you heard what is wrong with German football at the moment: allegedly the World Cup 2006, our summer fairy tale in Germany, only took place thanks to bribery and slush funds. Right Waldi? “Did the Germans really believe that we got the World Cup because we’re so especially beloved by the world, because we’re really such terrific people, because we look so good? Because everyone loves us?” Okay, Herbert… …why would you as the boss of the chief sponsor be interested if something wasn’t right in the world of football? Football isn’t Adidas and Adidas isn’t football. Adidas is football and football is Adidas Oh, that’s how it is. Then for you and Adidas it’s bad when everyone loses something: The German fairy tale of 2006 its innocence. the World Champion country it’s good reputation, the DFB its credibility, Wolfgang Niersbach is probably losing his job soon… everyone loses! “I have to be honest: losing is also shitty – to say in good German. I don’t like it. I’d rather win, that’s better. And that’s why I do everything in my power to win. Whether that’s on the pitch or at work!” And at the moment for everybody who has anything to do with corrupt football organizations, there are only two winning strategies. Try to avoid the shit. Or just address the shit openly. Adidas is the main sponsor of FIFA and could really make pressure. Exactly like the loveable small businesses and FIFA-sponsors McDonalds, VISA, Coca Cola, and Anheuser-Busch. At the beginning of October they called upon FIFA in four surprisingly clear letters to throw out Sepp Blatter, because they worried about their image. McDonalds, VISA, Coca Cola, and Anheuser-Busch are worried about their image. That’s the same as if Gordon Gekko, Gargamel, Mr. Burns, and Darth Vader were worried about their images. But top football sponsor Adidas and you, Herbert… …hanging on to Sepp Blatter? Good for him. …the ex-chief executive of Adidas and son of Adidas founder Adi Dassler would be proud of you. Because Sepp was a good friend of Horst. That’s why Horst brought Sepp into FIFA. And during his first years at FIFA Horst helped Sepp a little too, as a friend… Sepp, Horst and adidas. Friends for life Sepp and Adidas, Horst’s company, happened to negotiate a neat little sponsoring contract in 2013. And, just guess, how long is the contract for? Until 2018? Until 2020? Hui, what on earth could be so great that it’s worth a contract of 17 years? Besides a subscription to the women’s magazine “My Fault”… … and a French kiss from YouTube star Sami Slimani. I’m simply a real all-in-or-nothing guy! I’m revealing to the people now Adidas’s secret to success. Are you also an all-in-or-nothing guy? “That, I believe, describes me as well. My passion as well as my personal character. When I do something, then: All in or nothing!” Then we’ll reveal to the people now the all-or-nothing secret to success for Adidas.
Just one word: “Lubrication Payment” Ick, no. That’s called… “Bribe” No. Something else. “Corruption” Noooo, that sounds like something illegal. “Sponsorship” Sponsorship. Horst Dassler didn’t just invent Sepp Blatter, but also Sport sponsorship itself. And that still works great today! And sponsorship works very simply: You just have to put on ADIDAS clothing at work and then you just get a little bit, or a lot, of payment from ADIDAS. “Let’s not talk about it long, we do what we like, 5 Mark for each, that’s not the world.” Barely any other business in the last decades has grown with professional football as much as Adidas. Our world champion heroes from last year… …all sponsored by ADIDAS. Guess what these former football stars have in common. All top football managers, none with a high school diploma, and all… … sponsored by ADIDAS. “Is it Christams already?” Adidas sponsors FIFA, UEFA, DFB, FIFA World Cup, Bundesliga, 2nd Bundesliga, the DFB-Pokal, Confed-Cup, Champions League, the German National Team, Bayer Leverkusen, the HSV, Schalke 04, 1st FC Nürnberg, and FC Bayern anyway. ADIDAS is everywhere, and it’s all of course completely legal. Adidas is an honest, German company. They don’t just let any shady criminal be the CEO. Who was your predecessor again Herbert? Ah, the two shady criminals Robert Louis-Dreyfuss and Bernhard Tapié Wait a minute, I have to ask our NEO MAGAZIN ROYALE joke-attorney Dr. Christian Witz something really quick… can you call former Adidas heads Robert Louis- Dreyfuss and Bernhardt Tapie shady criminals? Well, were they shady? Well! The Adidas boss Robert Louis-Dreyfuss loaned his dear friend and Bayern manager Uli Hoeneß 10 million Euros to gamble away in the stock market. Without expecting a return. And Bernhardt Tapié was a Schlager singer. Yeah, sounds shady enough. Yeah, sounds shady enough. And were they criminals? Yes, in 2006 Dreyfuß had 10 months probation due to illegal business transfers and in 1997 Tapié had eight months in jail on bribery charges. Hmm. Then yes. Okay, thank you. So, Herbert. And your direct predecessor as head of ADIDAS, who’s said to have arranged a 6.7 million Euro slush fund for the DFB in order to bring the World Cup to Germany. And it was worth it! In 2005 Adidas sales were around 6.6 billion Euro. In 2006, the year of the World Cup privately arranged by the then CEO of Adidas, Adidas had sales of 10.1 billion Euro. Your company, Herbert, made in 2006, the year of the World Cup, 3.5 billion Euro more in sales than was usual. Now we come to the grand finale, Herbert. As you said so beautifully in 2006. “Football is Adidas and Adidas is football.” Okay then, small math problem: If Adidas is football… Adidas=football Football=corrupt Then what is Adidas? Small tip: The solution isn’t very good for business. In the FIFA corruption affair or with the bought World Cup of 2006 in Germany Adidas has no shit on its shoes. Adidas is the dog out of which the shit has been coming for decades. Sport corruption… ah… Sponsorship is an invention of Adidas. And that’s just the tip of the shitberg, Herbert. Small tip for our viewers: try entering ISL and ADIDAS into Google. You, Herbert Hainer… … sit in your Steve-Jobs-turtleneck in Herzogenaurach and look on television, how a few senile gentlemen accuse each other and you do the only right thing: not be conspicuous. As long as nobody talks about Adidas, PR-wise you did everything right, Herbert Hainer. You don’t just have football in the bag, but also… BALLS OF STEEL