Jonathan – Lee Mack’s car wash companion? Bob Mortimer’s brewing buddy? Debbie McGee’s magic mate?

Jonathan – Lee Mack’s car wash companion? Bob Mortimer’s brewing buddy? Debbie McGee’s magic mate?

Please welcome this week’s
special guest, Jonathan. APPLAUSE So, Debbie, what is Jonathan to you? Well, this is Jonathan
and when he was a baby, I used to pull him out of a top hat. Bob, how do you know Jonathan? This is my friend Jonathan, and I have brewed three
award-winning beers with him. Right. And finally, Lee, what’s
your relationship with Jonathan? This is Jonathan. One Sunday, the two of us
spent three hours trapped in an automatic car wash. David’s team, where will you begin? Well, Debbie. So you used to pull
Jonathan out of a top hat? Yeah.
How old was he then? About six months old.
Six months? Was he a rabbit at that stage? He’s grown up into a lovely bunny. What a cougar comment that was! LUCY: He’s going for it, though,
look. He’s aflame with desire,
look at him. He’s got the right hairstyle
to be pulled out of a top hat. So where did this happen? This was in a summer season. Where?
In Bournemouth. Debbie, how big was the top hat,
then? It was just… It was a prop top hat, so it was a
bit bigger than a normal one. But, you know,
babies aren’t very big. He was only about this big.
Six months, not very big? Yeah. So…
And he was… Was he the son of someone else
in the summer season, or…? No… Or one of the Chuckle
Brothers’ offspring, or something? No, it was a feature in the show,
and we had different babies on different nights. They were like in rotation,
and they came from an agency. So, who would bring
Jonathan to the theatre? His mother.
His mother? Yeah. And what would happen to him…? I mean, I don’t want you to give
away the magic trick too much, but where was he stowed… ..up to the moment where he’s
pulled out of the top hat? I can’t tell you, because I’m a
member of the Magic Circle, and I can’t give that… That is a
really handy thing for this game, I like it.
Can you come on every week? Don’t give anything away, Debbie,
but talk us through the trick. There was a pretend rabbit,
and then Paul would lift this big top hat from underneath,
and tipped it forward. And that’s when I would come
over as the assistant, and take Jonathan out, and say… “And the rabbit’s turned
into a real live baby”. And the audience went,
“Boo, we hate babies!” How long did they have
to wait to be revealed? Not very long, it wasn’t
a very long trick. So that they were only briefly on a
stage before the reveal…? They were only briefly
in terrifying darkness alone. Which they are in a cot
when they go to sleep at night. Yes, yeah.
And, indeed, in a womb. I mean, that is the ultimate trick,
innit? Now, who would you like
to question next? Erm, Bob. Remind us what it was that you said.
How do you know Jonathan? Because I have brewed three
award-winning beers with Jonathan. What are the names
of your award-winning beers? The one that’s my favourite
is called Kiss The Alderman. That’s an IPA.
Kiss The Alderman, an IPA, yes? An IPA. Another one was a stout,
and it was called Retail Park. Retail Park?
Retail Park. And the other one was a lager,
and that was called Not Now, Madam. It seems funny now.
That’s why we used it. Not Now, Madam, lager… Kiss The Alderman, Retail Park,
and Not Now, Madam. He’s written these down,
so I hope you can remember them. How long did you two
work together for? About two years ago.
I was in a field, Dion, collecting some mud to go
and bury at home in me garden. And along came Jonathan,
or J-keg, as I call him. He said, “I recognise you off the
telly, you’re that Ray Mears,” is what he said. And we got chatting, and he said,
“Do you like beer?” I said, “I really…
I like beer.” He said, “Would you like
to brew some beer?” How quick! And I said, “Yes, I would,
rather urgently, actually”. “I’ve run out!” And he’s got a brewery,
J-keg, just… It’s a lean-to, next to a barn,
right next to the field where I was. It’s quite big actually, Lee,
it might be a lean-three, or a lean-four. So I went in this marvellous
little brewery that I’m imagining… And we mashed… Part of the process is mashing.
Right. You put a load of hot
water in the cylinder, and you have to stir
the malt barley. Right.
And I did that bit of it… And I thought, “I adore this. “Is there any way that I could
see this process through, “and we could call this beer
Kiss The Alderman?” What is the alderman? He’s an unelected council official. Say, for example,
let’s focus in on Bolton. So if Bolton had a large Chinese
community, but there was no representatives amongst the
councillors, they would say, “Would you like to informally
nominate one of your “Chinese community,
and they will become an alderman? “And they will sit on the council
and be able to represent…” Right, no, that makes sense,
so, we’ve definitely covered what happens to the Chinese
community in Bolton… But back to the beer story.
Yeah, so… That was Kiss The Alderman. So we brewed 1,000 litres,
bottled it, and it was the top beer
in the Kent Craft Ale Society. Can I ask? My husband is a brewer… What hops did you use? Citrus hops. One of them’s called something,
and the other one, likewise, is named as well. I mean, this all checks out. Do you know what?
The thing that is the… The hipster brewing beard. If you were to say to me, “Draw a
brewer,” that’s what I’d draw. That’s what you’d draw.
It’s very interesting. Wow, really?! Whereas if someone asked you to draw
a brewer 30 years ago, you would draw something
very different, wouldn’t you? I’d draw you. APPLAUSE Now, what about Lee?
Lee, remind us of your claim. This is Jonathan. One Sunday, the
two of us got trapped for three hours in
an automatic car wash. Where was it?
Where was the car wash? It was just outside the car. Near where I live,
in south-west London. Whose car was it?
Who was driving? It was my car. And was Jonathan
in your car with you? Correct, he was the passenger.
Why? Because we can’t both drive. How do you know Jonathan? I know Jonathan because
we’re in the same football team. What is it?
A “bring your grandad” team? So you were…
Were you driving back from football? Driving TO football.
Driving to football? Why were you washing your car
on the way to football? “Oh, I’m looking forward to the
game, young Jonathan. “I really can’t wait,
but tell you what, “let’s wash the car first, so that
when we arrive, everybody says, ‘Oh, Lee’s doing well’.” You drove into the car wash,
and what happened? So, there was three options.
There was gold, silver or bronze. And obviously, being from
the north of England, I was looking for a lesser metal
than all three. But it stopped at bronze. So I went in and I said,
“Can I have a car wash?” And he gave me the token,
and I went back out and… Was it a token?
Sometimes it’s a code these days. All right, then, what he said was, “The token is where the squirrel
likes to hide”. When I say code,
I don’t mean riddle. I mean a series of numbers
that you put into a keypad. Yes, well, on this occasion,
it wasn’t. You put the token in the slot?
Yes. You advance into the car wash,
the weird things start going? Yes, so the big brush at the front
that goes over your bonnet, that came towards us.
Yeah. And then the side ones came. It was the side ones
that caused the main issue. They got to the door, stopped,
and just kept doing that, and we couldn’t open the doors. And it did not stop for three hours. I know, it sounds unbelievable. Why didn’t you climb over
into the back-seat and get out one of the rear doors? Because it’s a two-door car. I’m assuming this happened before
the invention of the mobile phone? No. No, that was not true. It was during the invention
of the mobile phone. During it?
During it. In fact, do you know what we did?
We were so stuck, and didn’t know what to do for three hours, we
decided to invent the mobile phone! No, it was… His phone was in his
sports bag in the boot. Where was your phone?
My phone was with me. Why didn’t you use your phone?
Because the battery had gone. How did you eventually get out? I absolutely screamed and screamed,
and this stranger passing by saw a big button on the thing
that said, “Emergency stop”. So he pressed the button,
and it stopped. And when it stopped, it reset itself
back to how it should be, we opened the door, and I went in. And he went,
“Oh, you’re back again”. I said, “Yes, it’s about my car”.
He said, “What’s up?” I said, “I’ll tell you what’s up,
the doors are phenomenally clean”. All right, we need an answer. So, David’s team, is Jonathan
Debbie’s magic mate, Bob’s brewing buddy,
or Lee’s car wash companion? I can’t believe we spent…
Lee’s story is the kind of story I would have to invent to tell my
husband if I’d been in a car with Jonathan for three hours. Jonathan looks like
a hipster brewer to me. What do you think? I think it’s Bob,
I think they’re mates, and they’ve done some brewing
together, yeah. Yeah, OK… You think Bob met him in a field
while collecting mud…? He said, “Come and have
a look at my brewery…” Yes, yes. “..and we’re going to call our beer
Kiss My Alderman”. It’s not Kiss MY Alderman.
It’s Kiss THE Alderman. I’m so sorry.
If it’s true, I’m sorry. Rob, you can immediately appreciate
why Kiss THE Alderman is much more marketable
than Kiss MY Alderman. I certainly call mine the alderman. You’re very popular with the
Chinese community in Bolton. APPLAUSE So, David, what are
you going to say? I think my team thinks it’s… Bob?
Yeah, let’s go with Bob. OK, you’re going to say Bob, OK. Jonathan, would you please
reveal your true identity? I’m Jonathan, and I brew beer with Bob. APPLAUSE Yes, Jonathan is Bob’s
brewing buddy. Thank you very much, Jonathan.

100 thoughts on “Jonathan – Lee Mack’s car wash companion? Bob Mortimer’s brewing buddy? Debbie McGee’s magic mate?”

  1. British TV is so good, nothing like this anywhere else. I just love how they bounce of each other and Lee is ridiculously witty I fucking love Bob too can’t get enough of him, he really captures the spirit of the game and he plays it soooo well you just don’t know if it’s true or not, with those amazing details he thinks of on the spot and the look on his face as he’s telling it, pure TV gold! I hope this show never ends and Bob needs to be sat next to Lee permanently!

  2. Lucy Porter got a weird….attention to the Jonathan guy. Especially the last part. It's probably editing side-effect or sumthin. But it's still weird AF and made my Alderman tingles.

  3. Lucy Porter did a lot more in this episode than Dion Dublin, and one of his turns was broadcast! Let’s hope one of her goes makes the compilation!

    Oh well. If you want to hear more of Lucy, she’s a frequent guest on David Mitchell’s Radio 4 panel show “The Unbelievable Truth”. Episodes available from iTunes or Audible.

  4. I'd love to spend a few hours talking nonsense with Bob whilst sharing a few pints Kissing the Alderman with a Not Now Madam for the road.   What a night that'd be!

  5. Bob Mortimer is the most interesting man in the world, he doesn't always drink beer but when he does, it's the "Kiss the alderman"

  6. I knew the answer the second she accused him of looking like a stereotypical hipster brewer because he couldn't hide how offended he was xD

  7. I guessed Bob. If Lee's was to be true, he surely should of said 'this is Jonathan, and we once missed a football game when we were trapped in a car wash for 3 hours'

  8. I want to know more about why Bob Mortimer was collecting mud in the field to bury at home in his garden. There is another proper story there!

  9. For anyone who's interested, and SPOILERS

    This is Jonny's brewery: Perhaps more amazingly, this is what he used to look like!

  10. "I was in a field, Dion" – I like how he often addresses people by name (as opposed to just talking to them) as it's very over-the-garden-fence.

  11. Bob Mortimer on point as always when on this show. The one that surprised me was Lucy, she really is very witty and would love to see her on the show more! Good stuff!

  12. I know Jonathan, he used to come into my pub. He makes fantastic beers, his brewey is called Alpha State and is based in Horsmonden. He's a dangerous sex pest and a schizophrenic. I'm not joking.

  13. "If someone had asked you to draw a brewer 30 years ago, you'd draw someone very different"
    "I'd draw you"
    Great great line from Lucy. She also read that hipster guy for his typical/cliche look

  14. That 'cougar' comment being made by a male panelist about a female guest would probably get Ofcom involved. I hate being the bitter cynical fuck, but that really wasn't necessary

  15. Too go on tv, viewed by LOTS, & you look like a hipster douche in girly tight jeans. & least there was Lee & Bob. 😊😁

  16. Why do I feel like Iv'e seen Jonathan before ? Like in a movie, or does he resemble someone else Im thinking of ? It's driving me crazy. XD

  17. Lucy sure couldn't take her eyes off the hipster brewer, who by the way seemed offended at being called a hipster brewer 😂😂😂.

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