Kelsey Cook Stand-Up

Kelsey Cook Stand-Up


-Wow.
Thank you guys so much. I’m so excited
to be in New York City. [ Cheers and applause ]
This is amazing. So great to be here. I actually just got back
from my high school reunion. [ Light laughter ] Yeah, they asked if
I wanted to perform at it. I was like, “I would rather
strip at my family reunion… [ Laughter ] …than tell jokes
to the girl who, during class, pierced her own belly button
with a stapler.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, grew up in
a real meth-y area. [ Light laughter ] My high school crush showed up
with a marijuana leaf tattooed on his face. [ Light laughter ] I was still in denial. I was like, “Well, someone’s
not afraid of commitment.” [ Laughter and applause ] I come from some weird DNA. My parents met playing
in a professional foosball tournament. [ Laughter ] So if you’re embarrassed you met
your spouse on Tinder, could be worse. [ Laughter ] Like, I literally wouldn’t exist
if it weren’t for foosball. [ Light laughter ] Which is sad. But some of you wouldn’t exist
if weren’t for boxed wine, so it’s like yeah, whatever. [ Laughter ] Gets weirder —
Not only is my dad a pro foosball player, he’s also
a slam poetry champion. [ Light laughter ] And an international yo-yo man. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, my dad has the sex appeal
of a fanny pack. [ Laughter ] I’m lucky, though, ’cause most
parents are disappointed if their kid
becomes a comedian. But my circus-y parents are
like, “Wow, you did a show and they paid you $12? [ Laughter and applause ] You’re like a lawyer.” [ Laughter ] Didn’t pass the bar. You guys just set
the bar very low. [ Light laughter ] We’re a nerdy family. Like, I have the deadly
peanut allergy, but some people just think I’m on a diet
’cause last week I turned down a peanut butter cookie
and the woman said, “Oh, come on, live a little.” [ Laughter ] I was like, “I’m actually trying
to live a lot.” [ Laughter ] Not counting calories. Just dodging death. [ Laughter ] I have so many allergies. I’m allergic to latex. Found that one out in a fun way. [ Laughter ] [ Audience ohs ] My biggest fear is
a peanut butter and condom sandwich. [ Laughter ] And it’s scary because
I’m actually allergic to most allergy medicines. Yeah. It’s like Charles Darwin
just waving, “Bye, girl. [ Laughter ] You ain’t making it.” [ Light laughter ] I’m like the millennial mascot. All millennials’
immune systems look like the Charlie Brown
Christmas tree. [ Light laughter ] All fragile and exposed. Older generations aren’t scared
of things like gluten. Old people are made of toast. [ Laughter ] My mom just told me that when
she was pregnant with me, she only ate
instant mashed potatoes, Skittles, and doughnuts. [ Light laughter ] I was like,
“Oh, that’s why I’m broken.” [ Laughter ] I got coffee with a friend
recently and she told me that she’s trying
to be a better person. I was like, “Oh, that’s nice.
What have you been doing?” She goes, “Well,
I’m taking less selfies.” [ Laughter ] Oh, take it easy,
Mother Theresa. [ Light laughter ] Save some of the Lord’s work
for the rest of us. [ Light laughter ] Everyone says we’re
so self-absorbed now with our selfies, but I think
we were way worse before then, ’cause at one point,
we were all in school and we all had
school picture day. And then we ordered physical
copies of photos of ourselves, and gave them to people. [ Laughter ] Like, narcissistic sociopaths. [ Light laughter ] Can you imagine doing
that now as an adult? Just going up to a
coworker unprompted like — [ Light laughter ] “I signed it.” [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you guys so much. [ Music plays ] -Oh, my goodness. [ Cheers and applause ] Kelsey Cook, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] For more on Kelsey,
visit kelseycook.com.

100 thoughts on “Kelsey Cook Stand-Up”

  1. God what a bunch of haters on this comment section shes funny and shes cute shes nothing like Amy Schumer or Whitney Cummings she was funny and she has her own style she was nervous but who wouldn't be it's like nobody is happy for anybody else's success anymore cuz they're too busy worried about their own failure

  2. She's got good material and great interaction but apart from the pauses that almost everyone keeps talking about, she should try to link her jokes, work on the transition! But other than that, really different for a female comic

  3. Yah American children are hopeless as they have no Healthcare and plenty of fluoride in the water oh nearly forgot.. monsanto is putting its hard work in destroying your immune system daily as well and you retards are loving it ..
    The American broken dreams 50% of population can't afford 500 $ emergency bill..
    It used to be great country and now it's retards cauntry…
    I vould like to say something sarcastic but what's the point most Americans are retarded anyway and vould not even understand sarcasm lol…

  4. kelsey cook and taylor tomlinson are true to blue comediennes. They bring dignity, talent, and real intelligence to female comedians.

  5. I gave a framed picture of myself to my secret santa at work, it was his first month and Christmas with us so I volunteered to be his secret Santa, normally people give out beer and wine or whatever but I thought it would be nice for him to have a really cheesy picture of me instead. I did tape a gift card to the back. The year before I gave my secret Santa a chia pet also with a gift card, there's a lot of other things I gave out for birthdays too. The look on their faces makes it all worth it.

  6. People criticizing her pauses but look at how well they work for her! She’s getting laughs on every punchline because she leaves the pause for audience to ‘catch’ the joke. Most comics don’t learn that until later in career

  7. You don't have to worry about your parents being disappointed that you're a comedian… You're not one.

  8. OK, my opinion, not facts, just my opinion. Her timing is not bad, it's good. You can't speed through this crap like you're telling a bus driver who is about to close the door on you. She has improved from her tape from 2 years ago, she doesn't make Granny Applesmith faces after each joke, she must have looked at some tape.

    I didn't laugh. The material has improved. She's cute, and I know that matters, but cute is different than being funny. I'm sorry, but it just is, you can't feel sorry for someone in the comedy world, she has enough advantages just being cute, but to say she's funny, I wouldn't say that. She's nice to listen to, some of the stories are amusing. Funny is tough, it really is. I'm sure she's nice to talk to, but we are talking the Tonight Show here.

  9. Ok first off she is WAY funnier than Amy Schu,…sorry, SHE IS FUNNY, AMY SCHUMER IS NOT. also she looks like Brie Larson but actually enjoyable to listen to. Honestly she should have been captain Marvel

  10. Didn’t read a single comment before being distracted by the same things….pace should be 1.25x and those pauses after each sentence are awful.

  11. She's good but she pauses 1 beat too long on everything and it makes things awkward. Tighten up the timing and she's great.

  12. It lacks.. let's say " Stand-up" Tempo… like.. its joke after joke.. but there's no buildup to the joke.. not really my cuppa tea

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