Pumpkin Bread – You Suck at Cooking (episode 81)

Pumpkin Bread – You Suck at Cooking (episode 81)


Today we’re making pumpkin bread. It’s bread that tastes like pumpkin, not pumpkin carved into the shape of bread slices that you’d put in a toaster, then slather with butter and cinnamon. (C R O N C H) Mmm. That actually tastes… .. revolting. You’re gonna need one fifteen ounce can of wild pumpkin captured within thirty days of a full moon, four large eggs from a possessed chicken, two and a half cups of cursed brown sugar, half cup of water that’s passed through the body of a ghost, three and a half cups of all-purpose flour- – including the purpose of making pumpkin bread – two-thirds cup of butter from an angry cow, two teaspoons of haunted baking soda, one teaspoon of haunted baking powder, two-thirds a teaspoon of haunted salt, three teaspoons of haunted pumpkin pie spice, and one cup of chopped walnuts that’s had the daylights scared out of it. RAA!! Its not going to taste right if you don’t bless the ingredients with a sacred harvest wand. You can make a sacred harvest wand out of anything as long as the materials are sacred which means they were made by god which is all things so it’s not difficult. I’ve got this sacred celery-orange harvest wand which I hereby bless these ingredients with. *crash* I have this PVC pipe sacred harvest wand which I hereby bless these ingredients with which cancels out the first blessing so I’m gonna hereby bless these ingredients one more time with my sacred harvest baguette with carrot handle [CRONCH] The flour, baking soda, baking powder.. ..salt, and pumpkin pie spice get sifted together in a bowl. Now you can mix together cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg.. ..all-spice, and cloves instead of getting the pumpkin pie spice, but it doesn’t make you a better cook and it doesn’t make you better than my mom. We’re gonna put the softened butter and sugar into another bowl and use the hand mixer until they’re well combined. If you’ve never used a hand mixer, it’s very similar top a cordless electric screwdriver; which is just as easy as using a cordless kinetic screwdriver. Now we’ll add the pumpkin, eggs, and water until that’s fully wangjangled. Then we’ll slowly add the dry ingredients, until they’re thoroughly combined, until you get a giant bowl of peanut-butter-pumpkin goop. You can taste the batter to see where it’s at if you don’t mind raw eggs. Just kidding don’t do be disgusting. Now we’ll spray two nine inch loaf pans with non-stick spray and divide that spooky batter between them. If you don’t have two pans, just pour the other half of the batter down the sink. Undoe’s on three fundoe, and we’ll slide those in ther- (clang)
whoops slide those in there for an hour. Fun Fact on YSAC (Actually a few): 1. He calls his onions “Ovens”, 2. I am in no way related to him. Yet… While the pumpkin goop is becoming pumpkin bread, go for an autumnal forest walk and ponder what makes bread, bread. Is it the loaf shape? Or its ability to be cut into slices? Also how is the bread here in my hand if it’s still baking in the undoe? The answer is simple! Time is an illusion, and nobody cares what makes bread, bread. TING So the hours up. We’re gonna take it out, stick in a toothpick and make sure there’s no goop sticking to it. After a few minutes, slide them out of the loaf pan and let them cool on a wire rack so they don’t overcook. If you don’t have a wire rack, place it on a non-toxic coat hangar on a non-toxic pot. And keep your toxic personality away from it for at least an hour. Now you wanna sneak one piece of candy corn into each loaf. And then when you and your friends are eating this, tell them ‘whoever gets the candy corn wins a prize. And the prize is one piece of candy corn, congratulations you already have it!’ Now you wanna break out your sad lamp. Stare at that for a good 7 hours a day to help you adjust to the seasonal change. In the dead of winter sleep with it directly on your face with your eyes taped open. And break out a happy lamp too because you have to balance out those emotions. Now it’s time to crawl into your Winter Hibernation Fort and prepare to ride it out. If you sleep long enough it’ll go by in one quick painful flash that won’t feel longer than eleven months. Prepare for song in 3… 2… 1… GO! ♪ Summer’s running up, Autumn’s running in ♪ ♪ Wish it was May and I could take it for another spin ♪ ♪ Spend the year, waiting for it to begin ♪ ♪ and then it’s here and now it’s gone ♪ ♪ I wanna grip on the season I’m in ♪ ♪ Summer’s always the one that moves the fastest ♪ ♪ Why we gotta live in a world that’s on an axis? ♪ ♪ Gonna move to a nice warm state of denial ♪ ♪ TTYL, I think I’m gonna be a while ♪ ♪ Winter I can feel you ♪ ♪ lurking how ’bout you, fuck, off! ♪ ♪ I think we’ll do this year without you ♪ ♪ With your frigid, freezing, loving, and sleeping, and stuff ♪ ♪ You can miss me with your ♪ ♪ windy, freezing cold, and slush ♪ ♪ Or maybe just drop by for ♪ ♪ no more than a month and then move on ♪ ♪ But the snow’s so pretty! ♪ ♪ It’s so fucking majestic in the night ♪ ♪ Yeah the snow’s so pretty ♪ ♪ when it’s falling, floating down from sky ♪ ♪ Yeah the snow’s so pretty ♪ ♪ a million specks reflecting in the ice ♪ ♪ Yeah the snow’s so pretty ♪ ♪ but it feels so good when we get back to light ♪

100 thoughts on “Pumpkin Bread – You Suck at Cooking (episode 81)”

  1. i don’t even like pumpkin bread. i don’t even like to cook, yet here i am watching your vids bc your voice is so damn soothing!!! also i love being told how much i do in fact suck at cooking

  2. Fuck the bread (<— This isn't a request you sick fuck) …. tell me what I have to do to be better than your mom…

  3. Do you have a place to snag some of these songs? I absolutely love some of em you've done and I want them on my iPod so bad.

  4. Guys, you should respect his videos more, because he makes a song at the end of every video. 😉

  5. "Gonna move to a nice warm state of denial,
    TTYL, I think I'm gonna be a while."
    IDK why, but that one hit me.

  6. SAD – seasonal affective disorder. Some people get depressed due to the shorter days in winter.

  7. "it doesn't make you a better cook and it Doesn't make you better than my mom." 10/10 using this later

  8. Why know how to cook only when you can compose songs, have awesome pets, script writing and edit fun videos all wangjangle™ up together. Like this dude.

  9. I can’t find any butter that came from an angry cow, there is butter from a sad cow, is that good enough?

  10. Anybody else wondering why he scooped a 15 ounce can of pumpkin puree into a measuring cup when he could've just dumped the can into the bowl?

  11. Every autumn whenever my mom and I would make pumpkin bread we would put it in a cake pan instead of a bread loaf pan so that we’re different

  12. I’m sorry but that was a pentacle not an inverted pentagram, clearly that brown sugar wasn’t properly cursed. I’ll need you to take that to your local satanic cult (not the Satanic Temple, those guys are way too chill) and get that hexed up real nice.

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