ROASTING DUMB APPS with Grace Helbig & Mamrie Hart

Wow, all right. With that, let’s uh, let’s start learning about some new apps. Did a pterodactyl just scream? It was Matt.
Grace: Matt. Matt… Matt’s alter ego speaks at a higher octave. Mamrie: Bleep bla bloop bloop bloop.
Grace: Wow! OK. Technology! Hey, everybody! I’m Grace. I’m Mamrie, and today, this might get app’t. Yes! Not appetizers. No, we were kind of fooled on this one. We were misinformed. We were misinformed. We thought when we were gonna be discussing apps, that we are gonna get some mozz’ sticks, some loaded skins. Southwest egg rolls. Them bloomin’ on’s. [slow motion] We’re hangry! What’s the weirdest app on your phone right now? I do have an app called Drizzly, and an app called Minibar. Two liquor-delivery services. Whoa. Yeah [deep voice] Whoa!
Two of them? Two of ’em, because if I feel like I’ve ordered from one too recently, and I need to, like, re-up, I need to go through a different app. It’s a whole system. You need to get an app that, like, gives you a pseudonym, so that, like, they don’t catch on. Oh, yeah! My name on my Nextdoor app is Melody Janitor. Mine’s Sharon! [The] Nextdoor app… I think everyone who watches my Instagram story knows that’s my favorite. You download it, you put in your address, and then like the people in the surrounding area all go on there. They talk about like, crimes that are happening or like, loose dogs. It’s a very, like, gossipy neighborhood watch forum. I love it. Yeah, I mean, it’s really fun to read and sometimes goes a little too far but. Here are some fun facts about apps. Prove it! Could they be fun? The #1 app for millennials — the 18- to 34-year-olds — that they say they can’t live without is… try and guess. Amazon. [ding]
– Yeah! You got it right! Amazon’s the only app that I use probably every two days. Yeah! I love Amazon. Me, too. I also Amazon Prime now. We are not sponsored by Amazon.
– We’re not. They would never touch us! I got one sponsored video on my channel that you can go watch. Amazon. Love it. Okay, here’s… [laughter off-camera] Here’s the hierarchy of how it breaks down for popular apps. Amazon comes in at 35%. Gmail: 30%. The Gmail app is better than the mail app that’s already on the phone. Shade! Facebook comes in at 29%. Russians. [laughter off-camera] All right… YouTube: 16%. OK, dig it. And Google Maps: 14%. I forget that Google Maps is technically an app. It is an app.
– Yeah. I feel like it’s just a way of life. OK, so here’s how this is gonna work.
– Mhm. Grace and I each have a note card with three apps on it. We’re gonna give each other the name, then that person will try to guess, based off the name, what the app does.
– Yep. And then see if they get it right or if they get it completely wrong, which is probably more likely to happen. Did you speak English at the end of that sentence? I did. I spoke my native tongue, Redneck. The name of this app, Grace Anne Helbig, is 30-Second Life. [gasp] 30-Second Life? And it’s, yeah, it’s not a boy band. OK, wow. Yeah, it does. I mean, or a condom brand. Doesn’t it sound like Jared Leto’s, like, cover band? Yeah, it does. OK, 30-Second Life. I think this is an app that allows you 30 seconds to log into someone else’s social media. And you get to see their life for, like, 30 seconds and log out. It’s, like, to see if your significant other’s cheating. If that’s not it, where’s that app? Wow!
Wow! [buzzer] No, it’s way more confusing and vague. OK! It says, you live your entire life from birth to death in 30 seconds. So, I guess it’s like a game.
– Morbid. So then at every moment your choices determine where your life will lead. [If] you slack off as a white-collar worker, you get laid off. If you work hard as a cat burglar, you become a criminal mastermind. Can you find the path to becoming a cyborg? A monk? A tycoon? A messiah? ‘Cause life’s too long to live just once. [together] Mamrie: I guess what it is like your goal would be like…
Grace: I just got so much anxiety here in this app. How did this get made? I’m assuming you log in and you’re like, OK, your goal is to become a pop star. And then, like, in 30 seconds, you have to, like, make enough choices to lead you to that result. Diane, Is that right? [music stops] … Diane: Huh? She did a lot of research on these apps. How can I become a sleepy producer? What choices lead me to Xanax?
– OK. ‘Cause that’s [bleep] stressful. OK, here’s the first one: Crowdpilot. Crowdpilot?!
– Mhm. Oh.
Oh. I think that’s basically like a Google Maps, except, like, all your friends are going to one place, so you’re like… They all log in and you direct them how to get there. Oh! That’s a great idea.
– Yeah. But absolutely incorrect. [buzzer] Crowd-source your conversations by bringing a group of friends or strangers along to listen in and assist you in any situation. Facebook friends, hired workers, everyone. Let them know what you’re up to. On a date, in a meeting, having lunch? Wait for the suggestions to trickle in. The crowd will listen and make suggestions. So you’re like Cyrano de Bergerac-ing? It can be, like, your friends on Facebook. It can be real friends. It can be total strangers that you just, I guess, get advice [from]? Can we Crowdpilot, like, a viewer? I mean, this is what we do every episode.
– That’s right. All right. We do this for them, anyway. Cry Translator. Cry Translator? I’m going to think, er I’m gonna say that this is an app used to translate what a baby wants when it’s crying. Holy [bleep] Whoa… You got it. You got it right. [ding] Wait, really?! Yes!
– Yeah! Literally, what your baby needs. It says, if it’s like, in less than five seconds if your baby is hungry, sleepy, annoyed, stressed, or bored. Usually all of them. Also, that’s a great app, if it actually works. Well, I think at any point it’s like, check its diaper and put it to bed. I mean, you only have so many options. That’s true. Babies are simple. This app is called Annoy-a-Teen. Is it an app that like, makes their apps not work for a minute? Like it freezes their social media? Not quite. Annoy-a-Teen generates irritatingly-high-frequency sounds that most adults have lost their ability to hear,
– Right. thereby targeting teenagers and other dumb animals. It will also annoy adults who are fortunate enough to still have a teenager’s hearing. [deep voice] Wow! A really pissed-off dad made this app. Annoy-a-Teen! OK, here’s your last one.
– OK. You’ve actually gotten one right.
– Whoo. It’s called Is It Dark Outside? Is It Dark Outside? Yeah, now think long and hard. It’s an app that from your bed, based on your location, it will tell you if it’s dark outside, without having to go to your window. That’s what a simple mind would think.
– OK. And that’s correct. [ding] Wait, so basically… Yeah, literally it says, based on your current location and time zone, it literally determines if it’s dark outside or not. How lazy you gotta be?! I mean, I’ve woken up places that I don’t remember how I got there. So yeah, I can see myself not knowing what time of day it is. You got windows though, right? Are you waking up in weird cells? I don’t know. I don’t want to limit myself. This is so stupid, but of course.
– I can’t wait. It’s called SMTH, which stands for Send Me to Heaven. Oh wow. Send Me to… How did this get made? Send Me to Heaven.
– Mhm. Is it literally, like, a tracker of when you do good deeds so that like you see like who of you and your friends is most likely to get through the pearly gates? That is a brilliant guess. Thank you. It is completely wrong. [buzzer] OK, what is it? [The] player throws his phone as high as he can. The higher the better. The phone registers the height and uploads results to leader boards. So you just throw your damn phone in the air. You send it to heaven, and it lets you know who’s throwing their very expensive piece of technology higher than others. If I saw my kid download that, I would teen-freeze them. I’d annoy them. I’d do all the things! Wow, those apps are… You would consult all your friends on Facebook of what to do. And then he’d cry and I’d be like, let me translate it. Oh, you’re a little [bleep].
– Duck. Yeah, we’re never having children.
– No. We need a period-tracking app, so we never have kids. They have those. Chomp.
– We did it! Grace, who do we have a gratitude problem with today? It’s from the Instagram app, and it’s tamelthecamel. They drew this illustration of us, and it says, “Color me in with ‘This Might Get.'” That is so amazing, and now we need a coloring book We need a coloring book. I also love that you’re either floating into space, or about to jump me. I’m the aerobic mugger.
– Yeah. Thank you so much, tamelthecamel, this is awesome. And remember, if you want to be featured in an upcoming Gratitude Problem, make sure you tag us on all social media platforms #thismightget. And in the meantime, subscribe to us. Come on. You’re already hanging out. You might as well turn on those bell notifications so you can know every time we put up a new episode, which is every Monday through Friday, if you can believe it. Use your YouTube app! Apps. That was a perfect way. I can’t beat that. Naps, maybe?

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