I know. I know. [laughter] What the fuck am I doing here? This is like that
Moscow hotel room where a bunch of whores
pissed all over Donald Trump. I mean, this is what you get
for being Alec’s friend. On nights like these,
you expect your friends– the people you’ve worked
with closely–to show up. Tina Fey,
Tracy Morgan, Thomas the Tank Engine,
Meryl Streep. Not one. Instead we have a group–
[laughs] You can’t even find them on,
uh, Wikipedia. [laughs] And–and, like,
who are these people? I mean, who the fuck are you? [laughter] I mean, Ann Coulter, everybody. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Nikki is what’s known
as a dirty comedian, and I don’t mean her material. I mean she hasn’t washed
her pussy since Memorial Day. Caroline Rhea. Caroline. Caroline did over 160 episodes
of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” That’s a lot of teenagers. Not R. Kelly numbers,
but still. Pretty impressive. Sean Hayes.
Where’s Sean Hayes? Over here.
[laughs] I was in “Goodfellas,” and I’m guessing Sean has also
been in good fellas… uh, and some bad fellas and more than a few sailors,
I’m sure. Caitlyn Jenner. Now, there’s something
different about you, but I–I can’t I can’t put
my finger in it. – Yes, you can!
– [laughs] – Yes, you can! – [laughs] Comedy Central wanted
to have Caitlyn on a roast after her surgery so now
they can pay her 20% less. When I did “Raging Bull,”
I had to gain 60 pounds in four months.
Jeff, what’s your excuse? [laughs] Ken Jeong once stopped
his stand-up show to help a woman in the audience
who was having a seizure. Hey, if a seizure is what
it takes to stop him from doing stand-up,
I’m for that. – [laughs]