RuPaul’s Drag Race Star Alyssa Edwards Teaches You How to Roast Haters | How to Be Petty


– Being petty, it’s difficult, for some. When they go low, you go lower. Please, I’m having one of my moments. (clicking) (jaunty music) Good morning, good
afternoon, and good evening wherever you are in the wonderful world. My name is Alyssa Edwards and I’m here not just to teach you how to be pretty, but to be petty. So before we start, to
ensure you’re all worthy, go ahead and subscribe to Cosmo. Grab your tea, grab your
seat, and get ready. Here we go, starting off. My girlfriend gives me the
absolute worst presents. Oh. My birthday is coming up and I don’t think I can take another gift card
from Bath and Body Works. What’s the best way to ensure she doesn’t get me another awful present. Signed, That Bitch. If you are that bitch, you
will let your girlfriend know. I’m clean, I don’t need your Bath and Body Works gift cards no more. And if you’re trying to tell me something sit at the breakfast table and let me know face to face, and look me in my eye and let me know I stink. (crashing) Cheers. Dear Alyssa, my roommate
stomps every morning and I am forced awake by
the sound of my roommate crashing through the house
getting ready for work. I talked to her about it, but
she’s still stomping away. What do I do? Sincerely, Reptar’s Roommate. You know what I would do,
I would wait for that whore to go to sleep, and about two a.m., honey, I would turn on my jazz
music and I would go to town. And I would make sure it’s 80s jazz. So let’s get physical would
mean, let’s get physical, bitch. When she came rolling out
I would roll in the hallway and jump into a karate roundhouse kick, and knock her out. And while she was knocked out I would start running like a maniac. That’s what you do. Now that is called petty. I’m ready for my next letter please. My mom is coming to visit
this weekend, which I love. But every time she
visits she feels the need to go through all of
my things and rearrange all of my furniture to her liking. I’m over it. How do I stop this? Thanks, Marie Kondo’s Daughter. Oh, she put her on blast. Actually what I would do, is I would change the
locks to my apartment. So when she came I would let her think I got evicted so she would feel bad. So when she seen me she
would feel some type of way. Always and forever, and I love you mom. Now get the (bleeping) out. My cat refuses to eat his
food unless I pet his butt. (cat meowing) I’m trying to wean him off this habit but he screams at me if I stop. (cat meowing) I don’t want my baby
boy to starve to death, but I just can’t take it anymore. What should I do? Signed, Grumpy Catmom. Well, you probably should give him away because I’m sure you have
tons of habit he don’t like. So call your neighbor, put
a want ad on Craigslist, or drop him off at the kennel. (cat screeching) And just pray they’ll keep him. I don’t know if that’s legal,
I don’t think I’d do that. That sounds petty though, don’t it. Sincerely yours, someone
who does not own a animal for these reasons. (slurping) Dear Alyssa, my dance moves go off. Whenever I walk onto the dance floor at my local bar a circle is
immediately formed around. Ooh girl, it’s getting hot in here with this one, I can tell. Now there’s this new guy in town, and he completely stole all my moves. What the (bleeping). Even my friends ditch
mid-dance just to watch him. I’m thinking about tripping him next time I see him in the bathroom. Maybe I’ll pull a Tonya Harding. (crunching) IDK. Help me Alyssa. Take the L. Don’t trip him, okay. And don’t pull a Tonya Harding unless you got the coin to
bail yourself out of jail ’cause these days girls get
arrested for assaulting folks. So I think you should actually
trap him in the bathroom so while the club everybody’s turning up, you’re out there twirling,
and he’s trapped. Turnt, twirl, trap. (clicking) I’s the tea. Trust me. Dear Alyssa. Me and the queens I perform
with are quite close. So close that we often share makeup. Hm, mistake number one. Lately though, every time I’ve let someone borrow my makeup, a palette
comes back all crushed. Girl. Or my foundation is
just all over the place. I’ve spoken up a few
times, mistake number two. But they just wave it off. How do I keep my makeup safe
from my lying ass friends? Signed, Moira Rose. When they go low, you go lower. That’s the new motto for this charade. After all the scrimping,
scrangling, and finagling I’ve done to get to where I am today, and people wanna take my nice things and abuse and break them. I’m keying bitches cars. (screeching) And I’m gonna leave a note on the window. I’m not that girl, I’m that woman. Back the (bleeping) up, bitch. (clicking) Being petty, it’s difficult, for some. Being pretty is, for most. Start within, wake up
and look in the mirror, and remind yourself, you are everything. And when a bitch gets in your way, run them hos over. Always and forever, Alyssa Edwards. Now clean this mess up. I gotta go. (jaunty music)

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