Whoa. Macaulay Culkin looks worse than I thought. [ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] You know, last year, we did Bieber, and now it’s Rob Lowe. Who’s next — Flo, the Progressive Lady? [ Laughter ] David, thanks for taking…
Tag: comedy central
Roast Battle II: Denver & Atlanta Regionals – Slopes and Slaves – Uncensored
Let’s Roast! {ding ding ding} – Nicole used to be a competitive skier. That’s why she’s so good at taking double blacks. [groans and laughter] – Uh, Andy was molested as a young schoolboy. He graduated top of his class…
Roast of Donald Trump – Words that Describe Trump
– Donald you are gross. Nobody likes you but you come back every couple years and nobody knows why. You’re like the McRib. (laughing) – When he graduated college he put his shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone,…
Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Playing a Young Bruce Willis – Roast of Bruce Willis – Uncensored
Bruce Willis. What a career, right? “The Fifth Element,” “The Sixth Sense,” “The Whole Nine Yards,” “12 Monkeys.” Zero Oscars. [ Laughter ] Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, Wes Anderson, Michael Bay, these are just some of Bruce’s directors who…
Roast of Rob Lowe – David Spade – Rob Lowe’s Memoir – Uncensored
– Rob wrote a memoir called, Stories I Only Tell My Friends. Chapter one, the day I fucked your wife. (laughs loudly) You’re almost up. Despite all the insane jokes you’ve heard about Rob, he’s actually had a great career,…
Having Sex Through the Border Wall – Jeff Ross Roasts the Border
Brownsville, Texas. Look at this place. It’s like you guys got to 1958 and said, “[Bleep] it.” [ Laughter and applause ] “[Bleep] it. We’re good.” Yeah, man. I love it down here. You know, I actually have roots down…
The One Baldwin Brother Everyone Forgets About (feat. Flula Borg) – Roast of Alec Baldwin
– Oh, hi, it’s me, Karl-Heinz Baldwin, the youngest of the all the Baldwin brothers. I was separated at birth from my siblings, and grew up in Germany, to become Germany’s most famous actor in the world. I am now…
Roast of Justin Bieber – Chris D’Elia – Most Hated Video – Uncensored
Babyis the most hated video online, like, statistically if you check that shit out, okay, and there are also ISIS videos online, okay? That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming, “Death to America” and sawing someone’s…
Donald Trump Drops An F-Bomb
THIS DAIS IS THE PERFECT METAPHOR FOR WHERE AMERICA STANDS TODAY. LOOK AT OUR ECONOMY. BARELY MOVING, GASPING FOR AIR, AND DESPERATELY CLINGING TO LIFE. VERY MUCH LIKE LARRY KING. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, WITH LARRY, WE HAVE A NEVER-ENDING…
Roast Battle – Ralphie May vs. Mike Lawrence
You know, the roughest part of Ralphie’s divorce was getting the ring off his finger. [ Laughter ] [ Explosion ] Told you. [ Siren wails ] Mike reminds me of Pepé Le Pew from the “Looney Tunes” cartoons. He…