Kanye West is appearing at
Joel Osteen’s megachurch service this Sunday,
and the tickets are free. But it’s 1,000 bucks
to leave early. That’s where they get you. Brad, you do that at your… -Uh… -Just like one
of Jeff Ross’ shows. Aw! (laughter) (cheering) Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God! All right. Give this guy a reality show.
Jesus. (laughs) Maybe I shouldn’t do
the next one. Uh… Today is World Diabetes Day, and Jeff Ross came here anyway. What is this? (cheering) I like it. Okay. Can we take a break?
I’m out of breath. -I know.
-Jeff’s having a heart attack. -EMT.
-Kevin Hart– We’re gonna just cruise along. This one’s not with you guys.
You can rest. Kevin Hart said
that he needed help, uh, using the toilet
after his accident and it was
a very humbling experience. The guy wiping Kevin’s ass
wasn’t nuts about it either. -Two fe… -Don’t make fun
of a fellow dwarf! Two female
Survivor contestants admit they exaggerated, uh, claims
of inappropriate touching in an effort to win the game. The man who was falsely accused
is starting the Me Sue movement. And I think he should. Uh, the TSA expects
a record-breaking 27 million passengers to fly
over the Thanksgiving holiday. Uh, this means that TSA workers
will end up touching more giblets at work
than at home. -Hey!
-(applause) Annie, you like giblets. What are giblets, balls? Nobody likes b– No one’s like,
“Hold that dick back. Let me get at those balls.” (laughing) The balls,
you just have to deal with it, ’cause they come with the… Uh, I-I’m gonna–
It’s gonna get so busy at the major airports TSA said–
and can you believe this– they’re considering opening
more than one line. Hope it doesn’t get that bad. Um, a man was arrested
at the Houston Airport for attempting to smuggle
35 pounds of liquid cocaine in shampoo bottles. Security and me were both like, “Wait, there’s liquid cocaine? And you can buy it?” Great news. A Florida man told police
he was driving 90 miles an hour because he was rushing home
after cheating on his wife. The polif– police gave him
an escort home, which was his second escort
of the night. -Oh! Hey, I love it.
-Hey! Hey-o! A South African man went viral when he proposed
to his girlfriend at KFC. I guess he liked it so much,
he had to put a wing on it. -♪ If you like… ♪
-Oh! (humming) (cheering and applause)