Thomas Wiesel roasts South Africa (STFR)

Thomas Wiesel roasts South Africa (STFR)

Hey, it’s a miracle. Please welcome your first comedian, all the way from Switzerland, give it up for Thomas Wiesel! Thank you, please make a noise for John Vlismas, everybody! So yes, John said I’m from Switzerland, I’m a long way from home, and I can tell because this
room is the size of my country. And also this show did not start on time. I did not wanna go first tonight but apparently in this country, white people always come
first, so, here I am. The truth is, John told me to
go first, and I said, “Okay,” because people like me don’t
argue with people like him. People who look like John have killed people who
look like me before. Listen, I’m sure John is a nice guy, I don’t know if he’s
been to jail or anything, but these tattoos don’t look like they were done in a
professional tattoo parlor, is all I’m saying. These tattoos look like they
were paid for with cigarettes, so. I’m surrounded by South Africans, so this is how Lesotho feels. This is a bit weird for me, it’s like a bunch of Black people judging a nervous White dude, this is revenge for centuries
of slave auctions, huh. So these jokes, I’ve never
said them in my life, and this is not my first language and I don’t usually
perform in English, so. If you laugh, I’m happy, if you don’t, ha, I still got a free
trip to South Africa, so I don’t care. I’m happy it’s in
Johannesburg and not Cape Town, ’cause you guys look like
you need to laugh more. All my friends from
Europe were telling me, “If you go to South Africa,
you should go to Cape Town, “it’s a lot nicer, it’s more European.” I’m like, “I’m from Europe.” Why would I wanna take
a plane for 11 hours to go to somewhere that’s European? That’s a waste of time
and money, that’s like, That’s so stupid! That’s so dumb, that’s like cheating on your girlfriend with her sister. Or as people from Alberton
call it, a Tuesday night. So, yeah, they convinced me
to come to this festival, they told me, “You’ll see Thomas, “it’s a really nice city,
it’s a beautiful venue, “and there’ll be a lot of pretty girls,” and they didn’t lie,
it’s a beautiful venue. I’m joking, no, no. You South African women,
you’re beautiful, you know it. South African men, uh, average. You girls deserve better
is all I’m saying. And I know what I look like
when I say this, I know. I know people have been
giving me directions to Wits University all week, so. I’m not a computer scientist, I’m not an engineering
student, I’m a comedian, okay? It’s okay. I know what I look like, I know
what you guys are thinking, this is what Helen Zille would look like if she grew a beard, I know. And if you have some DA
supporters in the audience who don’t like that joke, you can text me, I heard you love texts. No, people have been really nice to me, they’ve been really wanting to show me what’s beautiful in South Africa, they’ve been telling me, “You gotta come “see the white lions, you gotta go “see the black wildebeests “and the rarest of them all, “a yellow bone who’s single.” Listen, if there are
some South African women in the audience tonight, I
just wanna say one thing. I’m a Swiss male, you’re
a South African female. The two people that I
know that have come from Swiss males and South African females are Trevor Noah and Roger Federer. That’s a pretty good
list, is all I’m saying, so maybe if some people in the audience wanna be multi-millionaires
20 years from now, those are good odds, the numbers don’t lie is all I’m saying. Now people have been nice to me, people really wanted me to go on a Safari, they kept telling me, “You
have to go on a Safari, “you have to visit a game reserve, “you have to go to the lion park, “you can pet the lions and,” they were insisting a lot, so
I thought it was suspicious, and I googled White People Safari, now I know why they wanted
me to take a Safari. White people die on these shits. You guys know it’s dangerous, that’s why you tell a tourist to go there, so they get scared and
they don’t come back. It’s okay, I’m doing this
show and then I’m leaving, I swear, I know you heard this before, but this time I mean it. I’m not planning to stay here. Now I saw a few different things, they took me to Soweto, and I saw some White
people in the audience, so I’ll quickly explain what Soweto is. A township on the
Southwest of Johannesburg, it’s a real place, you can go there, it’s not like Wakanda. And they took me to Soweto
first thing off the plane. I landed, and they took me to Soweto. That was a power move. That was to tell me,
“Look what you have done.” And I started feeling
guilty, and I was like, “That wasn’t me,” and they told me, “Now you sound like every
White South African.” Knowing that I understand
a lot more about you now, and I understand how Apartheid was a really traumatic part of
the history of South Africa, Apartheid ended 25, 30 years ago according to the history books, “way before I was born” according to every White South African. I read a statistic that said that 44% of South Africans
never or rarely speak to someone of a different race. And you call yourself a rainbow country? And I guess that’s true ’cause
just like in the rainbow, colors don’t mix and each stays together. And you know how when a ray of light, they say there’s every
color in the rainbow, but only white sticks out,
that’s South Africa for you. Come on, it’s Fire in The Hole, what were you guys expecting? There’s more where that came from. So they took me around Johannesburg, I was walking in the CBD… that’s the joke. I heard, “Are you serious?” No I’m not. No, they took me, they
told me to take a taxi and they showed me how to call a taxi, and they showed me also how
to call a local Joburger, if you wanna call a
taxi, you wave your hand, if you wanna call a Joburger,
you wave your iPhone, they’ll take it from you. And they told me the Taxi signs, and I already forgot them,
it’s way too complicated, told me that this is, I don’t know Soweto, this is local, this is Fourways, and there’s way too many
signs for me to remember. I was talking to a comedian friend and I was telling him with the heat that my balls were feeling
crumpled and soggy, and the taxi stopped and
took me to Orange Farm. That’s a lie, that did
not happen, that’s a lie. They told me, “Be careful,
don’t lie too much, “otherwise the ANC will
ask you to be an MP.” I read about your politics a little bit, I read about your politics, I saw that you have a strong leader who’s running the country now, and I really don’t wanna butcher his name, I hope I pronounce this
right, is it Atul Gupta? Is that correct? No, it’s good to see there are somethings you can rally together
about ’cause South Africa’s a
pretty divided country, the Whites don’t like the
Blacks who don’t like the Asians who don’t like the Coloreds
who don’t like the Whites, but everybody hates the
Guptas so that’s nice. The Guptas, to me they’re
like the Kardashians, like there’s a shit load of them, you can’t tell them apart,
and they got where they are by screwing Black people. But you can rest assured, I’m not here in your
country for the money, I’m Swiss, all the African
money is already at home, so you can… No, I read about your
president, Ramaphosa, and he’s been in power for a year which I think is nice. Not him particularly, just nice to see an African country change
presidents in my lifetime. Ramaphosa’s a billionaire in a country full of poor people and he’s like, “I wish I could find the
money to help you guys, “but where?” “Mm, I think I have an idea.” I don’t wanna be mean to Ramaphosa ’cause I know he’s
prepa red to spend millions on South Africans, as long
as there are buffaloes. I don’t know if you guys saw this but a few years ago,
he bid 18 million Rand to buy a buffalo, and he didn’t get it. And then he became president, so apparently it’s easier to buy the South African
presidency than a buffalo. So this is my first time and now probably last in South Africa. And as soon as I got here,
I checked into the hotel, I checked my email, and I
got a message immediately, “Your email was hacked, we have “a suspicious connection
from South Africa.” You guys don’t have a
great reputation abroad. When I told my grandma I was coming here, she got really worried, she was like, “Thomas, please don’t get killed!” I was like, “Don’t worry grandma,
even if I get killed, “I’ll call Pastor Lukau, I’ll
be back to life in no time.” That was a great video,
I really enjoyed that. You have two great actors in South Africa, you have Charlize Theron, and the guy who came back to life in that video. Yeah, Pastor brought him back
to life, he didn’t bring back the ability to close
his mouth, apparently. You guys all made fun of
that video, and I understand, and you have a lot of preachers, I think my favorite is Bushiri, I really read up on Bushiri. I really like him, Bushiri, he claims he can walk on air. I think it’s interesting, why the hell do you have four private planes then? And he said he took a selfie with God. And nobody has seen it. If I had a selfie with God, everybody woulda seen it, I
woulda shown it to everybody, it would be my profile picture, it’ll be my screensaver, I
would have it on a T-shirt, I would get a tattoo
of my selfie with God, I would ask John for his tattoo
guy and go somewhere else. So this means that Bushiri met God, and he didn’t ask him to
put an end to poverty, to AIDS, to starvation, to
war, to Somizi’s career. He didn’t even ask him to
drop the charges against him, he just asked him for a selfie. Now let’s be honest, I mean Bushiri’s really done some miracles, like he said he can make poor
people rich, he has done so, once, himself, that counts. And he can really make miracles happen, he can fill soccer stadiums, which is something
Bafana Bafana can’t do. And I make fun of him,
but he gets 80000 people and we get 300, so he’s a
lot funnier than we are. Then he also said he could get rid of HIV, which to be fair, is really easy, you just gotta take a shower
afterwards, apparently. That was a crazy story as well. I really enjoyed that one. So Jacob Zuma slept
with a girl that had HIV and didn’t put a condom, so
apparently to Jacob Zuma, condoms are like South African laws, he does not know they exist. And there’s something I don’t get. Zuma fascinates me ’cause he
has six wives and 21 kids, there’s probably more now, I
counted before the show but. Six wives, 21 kids, and
apparently of the 21 kids, about half are born to women that aren’t one of his six wives, so how do you have six wives and you manage to impregnate
people you are not married to? Now I get why you elected him, ’cause he’s the best
multi-tasker in the world. That’s really impressive. And they told me that they
spend millions every year in spousal support for Jacob
Zuma’s wives and ex-wives, and that tells you why South
African budget is pretty tight, it’s because of Zuma’s dick. And that, I really don’t
get the women in this case, ’cause I mean, the women
that sleep with Zuma, when you see Zuma’s face,
you don’t tell yourself, “I wanna see that man naked,” that’s. The dude looks like one of
Master Yoda’s testicles, let’s be honest. I know this is old history,
one South African told me, “But this is all old stuff, Thomas, “this was before he was president,” so I was like, “What? “All this was before he was president “and you still elected him president?” And a lot of the women were pretty young when they got pregnant,
so I didn’t know that Jacob Zuma was a big fan of R. Kelly, that was nice to find out. I heard that Zuma’s gonna release an album so you should call R. Kelly
and get a duet together. I’m Fighting for My
Life, The Prison Edition. ‘Cause apparently Zuma may go to prison, he’s been president for a while, now he might go to prison for a long time, he’s doing a reverse Mandela. I think he read the biography
backwards or something. I really tried to enjoy this
festival as much as I could, I went to all the shows that I could, they tried to get me to go see an Afrikaans show this
afternoon, I was like, “Whoa, no. “I can’t even understand
when you guys speak English, “so let’s take it step-by-step, okay?” In Switzerland, we have
four official languages, I speak one of them. In South Africa, you
have 11, all of you speak at least five… in a single sentence. That’s what I find amazing
about your country, there’s so much diversity, there’s so much different cultures, so much art history, you have
a lot of imagination, and yet the best you could come up with as a country name is South Africa. How lazy is that name? Now it must’ve been a brainstorm that happened two minutes
before lunch time. We have to name the country,
where is it, Africa, where in Africa, south,
South Africa let’s go. And in two hours when we come back, we’re gonna find a name for
a town that’s on the cape, think about it. And I think that’s a lot of contradictions because you guys can’t come
up with a nice country name but yet you can invent a
whole fake men’s conference, ’cause you don’t wanna get
gifts for your girlfriends on Valentines’ Day. That’s some imagination right there, and I don’t think that’s because men you didn’t know what
gift to get your girlfriends, it’s because you didn’t
know which girlfriend to spend Valentines’ Day with. But to me guys, you have no excuse, ’cause being a boyfriend
on Valentines’ Day in South Africa has become so easy. The bar has been lowered
for six years now. If on Valentines’ Day in South Africa you don’t shoot your
girlfriend, you’re doing great. I had to do a Pistorius
joke, I just had to. I read that Pistorius is in jail now, he’s got his own bathroom and people are really upset about this, like this is crazy, it’s a
privilege ’cause he’s famous, no. It’s not a privilege ’cause he’s famous, it’s, nobody wants to use
Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom. And I remember back in the day, I read up on all the details, and I googled his girlfriend,
I was like, “Whoa, “if that’s what burglars look like, “I’m keeping my front door unlocked.” “I’m posting my vacation
dates on Facebook, “I wanna get burglarized soon.” I wanna leave you with one last joke, all I’ve been hearing about
this week in South Africa is Woolies Water Challenge, and so I had to go see the video, and they would tell me,
“Yeah, Woolies Water “has got magical powers,” and I didn’t believe it,
and then I saw the video and I believed it. This is a group of teenagers,
they drink Woolies Water, and suddenly, I can understand them. And I really really really
get why this video went viral ’cause it really shows
something that happens way too rarely. African people drinking clean water. Thank you, have a great night.

64 thoughts on “Thomas Wiesel roasts South Africa (STFR)”

  1. Je réalise que de nombreuses références peuvent être obscures pour qui n'a pas passé 48h à faire du wikipedia et google intensifs sur l'Afrique du Sud, je résume ci-dessous les principaux thèmes que j'aborde dans la vidéo, hésitez pas à demander s'il y a encore des blagues pour lesquelles vous n'avez pas les infos et que vous souhaiteriez que j'éclaircisse.

    Les relations entre différentes races en Afrique du Sud:
    je fais pas mal de blagues là-dessus, même 25 ans après la fin de l’Apartheid, il y a énormément de tensions à ce sujet. Les différents groupes ethniques se mélangent encore peu et la minorité blanche (surtout des Afrikaans, du nom de leur langue, proche du néérlandais) a un statut socio-économique bien supérieur aux noirs et aux métis (les Coloreds sont une communauté à part entière).

    Helen Zille:
    C’est l’ancienne leader du parti DA, un parti qui récolte plus de 90% des suffrages des blancs en Afrique du Sud. Ils communiquent beaucoup par textos.

    C’est un terme familier pour les métis à peau claire, c’est le fantasme de nombreux hommes sud-africains.

    considéré comme le plus grand quartier du monde, c’est une banlieue pauvre, et noire, où ont grandi notamment Desmond Tutu et Nelson Mandela. C’est devenu un symbole de l’Apartheid, il y a eu plusieurs incidents et massacres de manifestants. Les blancs sud-africains ne s’y rendent pas tellement.

    C’est une ville où certains quartiers sont dangereux, dont le CBD (centre-ville), il y a pas mal de criminalité et il est conseillé de ne pas se balader à pied le soir ou exhiber sa richesse.

    Jacob Zuma:
    c’est une figure marquante de la politique sud-africaine. Combattant de la lutte contre l’apartheid, il a gagné en importance dans le parti de Mandela, l’ANC, avant de devenir président en 2009, jusqu’en 2018. Poursuivi par de nombreux scandales, des centaines d’affaires de corruption, énormément de coucheries et d’enfants hors mariage, et un procès pour viol sur une femme porteuse du SIDA où il a dit que même s’il ne s’était pas protégé, il ne pouvait pas avoir contracté le VIH car il s’est douché après. Ca avait fait scandale dans un pays ou le virus est très répandu et qui peine à éduquer la population aux normes d’hygiène sexuelle.
    Malgré sa démission, il reste un des hommes les plus populaires du pays, ses meetings rassemblent des milliers de fans, il pousse la chansonnette, va sortir un album, et continue de s’enrichir.

    Atul Gupta:
    c’est le patriarche d’une famille de businessmen sud-africains d’origine indienne, réputés pour s’être enrichi en corrompant le pouvoir (notamment quand Jacob Zuma était président). Ils sont en fuite à Dubaï, et en procès pour de nombreuses affaires.

    Cyril Ramaphosa:
    c’est le nouveau président, un homme d’affaires milliardaire qui a succédé à Jacob Zuma mais continue de devoir le garder comme un encombrant allié. Il tente de lutter contre la corruption au sein de l’ANC, sans grand succès pour le moment. Il est quasiment assuré d’être réélu aux élections de la fin du mois.

    Pasteur Lukau:
    Dans une vidéo devenue virale (cherchez pastor lukau resurrection) le pasteur “ressuscite” un homme dans un cercueil. Même si les pasteurs sont des superstars et des multi-millionaires et réalisent régulièrement des miracles, Lukau a été beaucoup moqué pour ce fake évident. Rien que de prononcer son nom en Afrique du Sud provoque l’hilarité de votre interlocuteur. Ca n’empêche pas Lukau d’avoir encore des dizaines de milliers de fidèles dans son église.

    D’origine ougandaise, c’est la star des pasteurs, régulièrement sous enquête car il encourage ses fidèles à lui donner beaucoup d’argent, il se vante régulièrement de nombreux miracles, dont marcher sur l’air, un selfie avec Dieu, guérir le Sida, etc…

    Man’s conference:
    Il s’agit d’une conférence fictive ayant eu supposément lieu le 14 février. On sait pas trop comment ça a débuté, sans doute une blague sur internet, d’une conférence réservée aux hommes censée leur donner une excuse pour ne pas devoir s’occuper de leur chérie à la Saint Valentin.
    La conférence n’a jamais existé mais a beaucoup fait parler dans le pays.

    Oscar Pistorius:
    athlète sud-africain en prison pour avoir abattu sa fiancée dans la salle de bains, il a déclaré qu’il pensait que c’était un cambrioleur. Le meurtre a eu lieu un 14 février.

    Woolieswater challenge:
    Autre vidéo virale en afrique du Sud (cherchez woolieswater challenge). C’est un groupe de jeunes qui discute en langue isiZulu (parsemé de quelques mots d’anglais, comme c’est souvent le cas) et juste après avoir bu de l’eau en bouteille du supermarché haut de gamme Woolworth’s, commencent à s’exprimer dans l’anglais parfait de la reine en se moquant de l’accent british. De nombreuses parodies ont pulullé sur les réseaux, au point que Woolworth’s a engagé les jeunes pour une campagne.

  2. Je me demande comment il y a des gens encore assez crédules pour croire a ces pasteurs, et comment ces derniers peuvent-ils s'enrichir sur le dos des honnêtes gens. Pourquoi ne sont-ils pas en taule et leur argent volé, rendu aux service du peuple ?

  3. c'est super fort car leur sens de l'humour est vraiment différent… c'était quoi les retours : choqué ou amusé? juste curieux.

  4. En français, en anglais, à Montreux ou à Johannesburg, toujours la même qualité pour tes passages. Un régal !

  5. J’avais peur que tu t’exprimes lentement avec des lacunes en anglais mais rien a redire et en plus t’es blagues sont magiques

  6. vous avez la référence pour Alberton Tuesday night? le seul truc que je trouve sur internet c'est pour un jeu de bingo…

  7. Franchement chapeau !!! This was great. You've done a great job. This one is one of your best. Im loving it soooo much.😂

  8. 2:22 : Bonne blague, dommage qu'on l'ait déjà entendue dans The Marvelous Mrs Maisel l'année dernière… Essaie de ne pas tomber dans les "gaderies", tu vaux beaucoup mieux que ça.

  9. Et après on dit que les francophones ne peuvent pas parler bien anglais. Ce que les français les nuls (je suis française mais née en Amérique du Sud :p) je viens de l’envoyer à des amis qui habitent en Afrique du Sud 😬 tellement politiquement incorrect… tellement Thomas Wissel 😂

  10. Très bon sketch. Il sait comment rebondir. Même si ça ne fait pas forcément plaisir à certains, ils finissent tous par avoir un sourire. Bravo !

  11. Ouahou ! Ca c'est de la grosse paire de couilles ! Dommage qu'elles ne produisent pas, mais quel bon sketch ! On ne pige pas toutes les références mais on comprend aux rires parfois gênés et aux cris que ça fait mouche. Res-pect.

  12. Chapeau si il est sorti de là sans se faire découpé à la machette. humour corrosif et grinçant. j'adore

  13. quel travail quel maitrise quel talent thomas merci ton humour est l honneur de tous les peuples sans complexe quel courage bravo continue mais fait atttention a toi les verité que tu décrit son sulfureuse.

  14. Ce mec est brillant. Son anglais est juste parfait, et son adaptation à une culture qu'il méconnaît ! Chapeau bas !

  15. Les humoristes français doivent s'inspirer de lui juste s'informer avant de faire rire et ne pas raconter des trucs faux juste pour faire rire .

  16. Je ne sais pas qui a écrit ce sketch mais c'est vraiment vraiment fin! Aussi piquantes que certaines blagues puissent être, le grand respect se trouve dans le fait de connaître aussi bien l'actualité du pays. Thomas Wiesel est incroyablement convaincant et hilarant de bout en bout, juste brillant parce que certaines blagues auraient pu être vraiment grinçantes sans cette force de conviction et ce grand souci de connaître la culture dont il parle. Je me suis abonnée, je suivrai cet artiste, remarquable!

  17. Damn ça tire à balles réelles hahah ! Super spectacle, on voit que tu as fais ton taf en amont ! Heureux de te découvrir à travers ce sketch 😉

  18. Les sous-titres qui nous encule encore x)
    Tu dis bien "HIV" ce qui signifie "VIH" et les cons qui ont fait les sous-titres ont traduits ça par "sida" ptdrr
    C'est dommage que les traducteurs soient pas foutu d'être plus cultivés que ça …

  19. bravo l'artiste, aller si loin culturellement et sortir tes vannes comme si t'étais né là-bas, c'est un boulot que peu d'humoristes feraient… je voudrais avoir 5 pouces à chaque mains pour t'en mettre 10 vers le haut
    So a nice accent I had nearly some troubles to follow and to rely on local knowledge at the same time… congrats
    En plus, le prends pas mal, mais tu m'as fait plus rire en anglais à Johannesburg qu'en français à Montreux… peut-être le fait de la nouveauté qui pousse à la créativité ?

  20. Avec les indications on comprend mieux mais quand tu vie dans le pays et tu vois ce qu'il se passe chaque jour ça va nous faire rire, même si j'ai regarder les vidéos etc, même en regardant de nouveau la vidéo j'ai pas rie plus 😂
    Car quand tu le vie pas , c'est compliqué de comprend que ça un impacte important, si à un étranger voyait un sketch ou ça parle de tout ce qu'il y a eu en France, même avec les indications , il va pas trouvé ceci totalement marrant et c'est normal ^^

  21. Déjà au tedx il se touchait la bouche a presque chaque vanne, donc je déduis qu'en il est vraiment unsure de sa vanne il a besoin de se rassurer en se "touchant" les joues, le front
    He's human after all ^^

  22. effectivement ca change des autres spectacles ………….  félicitations pour t'es grande recherches le retour et plus que super le public a plus que apprecier ……………….

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