Tosh.0 – Tosh Roast

Tosh.0 – Tosh Roast

>>The Comedy Central Roastof Justin Bieberwith your host master not Daniel Tosh and not starring Daniel Tosh, not Daniel Tosh, not Daniel Dwight Tosh. Daniel Tosh is not going to be there. Daniel Tosh will not be roasting. And finally, not Daniel Tosh.>>Awkward. As you know, I have been begging Comedy Central for years to let me appear on one of their roasts and they never say yes. It’s like I’m being blackballed. I even prepared a couple jokes for Bieber. What a waste of time. Would you guys like to hear them? Oh, good! I hear Justin Bieber is a bit of a playboy, but I like him just for his articles. Too soft? Okay. Justin thinks he’s black. But if he was black, he wouldn’t have such a small weenie. Justin is the only guy lucky enough to bang Selena Gomez on the right side of her quinceañera. Justin, it’s great that you’re trying to clean up your image. I think I speak for all of us when I say you should start by taking a nice long bath at Bobby Brown’s house. Justin was discovered as a kid by Usher, which is crazy because normally when Usher discovers a kid, they’re at the bottom of his pool. Oh, well. Too bad no one will ever get to hear these jokes. But a roast isn’t just about mocking desperate celebrities. It’s about being able to turn the other cheek while they hurl hate speech back at you. That’s why I invited the meanest, cruelest, most immature bullies I know, my Twitter followers, to give me the roasting of a lifetime. And who better to be the roastmaster and read your snarky tweets than my seasonal next door neighbor, the Canadian curmudgeon himself, Old Lee. Go ahead. Let her rip.>>“Tosh.0?More like Tosh point stop [bleep] dicks and being an overrated pussy.”>>That’s big talk for a guy who hasn’t had a boner since the ’80s.>>What? I didn’t write this stuff. I mean, how– I’m just reading it. “I liked you more when you were fat and balding.”>>I was never fat.>>”I wouldn’t [bleep] you if my dick was on fire and your ass was a bucket of water.”>>I can’t imagine what that would smell like. Just old dick burning? Ew.>>Oh, no. “You’re not only autistic, but you are a [bleep]. I hope you get a dick tumor I will murder your family, you [bleep].”>>You kiss your old, old sailor buddies with that mouth?>>I don’t have any old sailor buddies, and I don’t know what you’re talking about. “You look like Jared Leto inDallas Buyers Clubbut gayer and with more AIDS”. “Do you prefer to eat dicks by the bagful or bowlful?”>>Bag.>>”You have feminine hips.”>>It’s the wrong Comedy Central star. I have zero body issues.>>Okay. “I just hope you can find a noose made of cashmere.”>>That’s pretty funny, I guess.>>”I thought roasting queers was a thing of the past.” “Daniel Tosh looks like a [bleep] Jared from Subway had a [bleep] baby with [bleep] Jim Harbaugh.”>>Jesus.>>That was a stinker. But I didn’t, uh, write this, you know. “What is it like to use Twitter when you’re 40?”>>I don’t know. What was the Civil War like, you crusty [bleep]?>>Hey. Wait a minute. “Tosh, you were born in Germany? That explains why you have germs a many.” [chuckles]>>I get it.>>Oh, you do.>>Don’t stare at me like that.>>Well, I didn’t write this.>>Uh…>>I wouldn’t write something this stupid.>>[laughs]>>”I hope your next starring role is in an ISIS video.” [chuckles]>>Do you think that’s funny?>>I do. “You’re dope. Seen you at your taping a few weeks back. You’re genuine nice and funny.”>>[bleep] you. It’ll be Old Lee’s turn to get roasted soon,

100 thoughts on “Tosh.0 – Tosh Roast”

  1. So I am laughing at the commercial, cuz it weight watchers and others, so just cuz I have binged watched tosh.o I am going to require weightless??

  2. "I hope your next starring role is in an ISIS video." Hands down the best roast comment in the video. Or any video ever.

  3. This guy is insufferable, i would happily pay for him to be CIA tortured, that should brink his mind into the dark a bit more and encourage him to hang himself in his garage.

  4. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Jim Harbaugh looks exactly like you Daniel Tosh!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Cracked me up for days!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    You are the anti/benevolence King of Comedy!!!

    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ LOVES IT ME I SAY MOR MOR ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  5. I liek when Tosh genuinely laughs idk why but it makes him seem liek more of a nice guy

  6. Alright *uck millenials. Tosh looks like the Big Friendly Giant raped that little girl. Boom *uck generation Y. I like you tosh you're way better than Dane Cook.

  7. Comedy Central needs acknowledge Tosh some more and put on more reruns of his show! Also less talk shows more cartoons!

  8. โ€œBut I didnโ€™t write this you know, I wouldnโ€™t write something so stupidโ€ Old Lee had me dying every time

  9. But these idiotic lame insults……. are they all coming from 10 year olds with no originality? Gees, dont they teach classical poetry writing in schools?!

  10. Damn the usher joke was was almost over the line, it wasn't but he pulled that bitch right up to the curb.

  11. How could they not want Tosh?? he is actually a nice mofo like Lisa Lampanelli so can get away with talking some shit to point fingers at all of our dumb insecurities and social diseases. This is like the only thing I know of I can watch and have a legit laugh because itโ€™s brilliant.

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